Top Ten Things Thomas Pynchon Doesn't Have to Worry About

1. Appearing as a guest on David Letterman.

2. How he looks in author photos on the back of his books.

3. Maintaining an Instagram page. (And which filter to put on a selfie.)

4. Hosting Saturday Night Live.

5. Getting too much plastic surgery and appearing on Botched.

6. His soul being captured in a photograph.

7. How he looks on Zoom meetings.

8. Pictures of him in blackface leaking.

9. Nudes of him leaking.

10. Whether he'll ever appear as the subject of a top ten list.